World turned upside down

Sorry I haven't written in a while. So much has happened to me, though, I don't know if I can even convey what an upheaval I've had. I'm also feeling really ropey so I apologise if my typing is a bit wonky.

Firstly, Michele and Martin, my humans, packed up all the stuff in the flat and took it out. I mean everything, including my favorite green wooden chair that I like to perch on. Then, one night they woke me up and stuffed me into a horrible, tiny little wooden box that I couldn't see out of. Michele then took me in this little box to somewhere called "the airport". I could hear her crying the whole way, and she kept promising me that everything was going to be alright, which worried me more thananything else.
Later, Michele was gone and I was put in another place. It felt like being in the car, but a lot more rough, and I was travelling somewhere for about 8 hours! I know I was very far from home because my magnetic fields were all over the place, according to my BGPS (Birdy Global Positioning System.) After that, some men took me in a van to a place with lots of other birds. I was handled roughly, but they did speak nicely to me. They put another metal band on my leg. (I already had another one on my other leg, apparently since I hatched out my egg 5 years ago, but I don't remember getting it. But it has been there as long as I remember). Then they took a
q-tip and touched my cloaca with it! I wouldn't have felt so bad if my humans were there, but they had gone.

After that, they put me in a huge glass box with branches and perches in it, and gave me some dinner. It was ok - not as good as I get at home, but I was hungry so I didn't complain. I was so exhausted, I just fell asleep.

The next morning, I woke up and didn't know where I was. Did that ever happen to you? It's very disconcerting. I was still in the glass box, and it was very warm. When I was sleeping someone hat put some of my toys that I recognised in with me. This lady said that my mom sent them for me. She also gave me a honey treat, so I passed the morning gnawing on that and
looking around, hoping that the rest of my flock might appear...but they didn't. There were two noisy
parrots next to me. They were prettyfriendly though. They explained that we were in some sort of bird prison - none of us knew what we'd done wrong though! All around were other birds, some really a lot bigger than me! Some of them had smaller enclosures than I had. I had my birdy buddy (brand name for my bird bed) and some nice perches, too. It was lovely and
warm in there but I was really very sad. Where were the rest of the flock. The other birds had all sorts of scary stories about what was going to happen to us, but after a while I stopped listening.
They all sounded dubious to me. There was one bird, quite a bit older than me, who said that he'd been though it before and that everything would get back to normal soon. Although I was just as dubious about that tale, I clung onto the hope that he might be right. He said he didn't know why were in prison (or "quarentine" as he called it) either.

And I was in that glass box for 30 days. Every day a nice lady came by to feed me, and she talked to me a bit. Sometimes she told me that Michele had called on the phone to check that I was ok, but I didn't believe her. And why did I have to be here anyway?

After 30 days, they grabbed me in a towel and stuck me back in that horrible wooden box. Then they took me in a van to another place, where I waited for 2 hours in this dark room. Suddenly, someone grabbed my box, and I heard Martin and Michele's voices. They had come for me! Michele was crying all over my box. They took me out and put me in a cage that I could see out of, and then put me in the car. Michele drove the car and Martin sat in the back with me. It was so good to be back as a complete flock again. I really hope they never make me go to that place again.

Now, I am home in a new house and it's nice to be with Martin and Michele again, however, I am really, really ill. Well, I'm not as ill as I was last week, but I'm not a well bird. I have all mucus clogging my nares and I'm so tired. I've had to go to the vet 4 times!! Regular readers will
know that going to the vet is my least favourite thing to do. I will post again soon and tell you that whole saga. I'm going to take another nap now. It's all I seem to do these days. So I'm not too happy. I also don't know my way around here...and there's no sign of my green chair perch either...

Bye for now.

Humphrey's guide to food

As a parrot, Food is very important to me. Therefore, I've decided to publish my guide to the best and worst foods out there.

Parrot Mix: Eh. I have it for breakfast every day, and frankly, I'm bored. The only good part is the sunflower seeds, which are one of my favorite things.

Pellets: According to humans, this is the best thing to feed parrots. Parrots, especially me, disagree. Strongly. Even though they are bland, and crunchy, two qualities I crave in food, I still don't like these horrible little things.

Oatmeal (porridge): I live with two humans, one American, one Brit. That's why I have two names for this most delicious food. Here is a pic of me enjoying some.

Spider plants: Most households have at least one of these. Whenever you're feeling a bit peckish, fly over and have a nibble or 50. You can thank me later for this tip.

Crust: Beaks up! (Since I don't have thumbs). Whether it's bread crust or pizza crust, it's going in my beak, and all over the floor. For later. Some of them even contain some bland tasting seeds! Yummy!

Apples and carrots: I demand a piece from my humans each day. They love me so much that they obey and even tell me I'm a good bird when I eat it! Which I am! Other veg and fruit? Beaks down! Even though you might say these two items have strong flavours, and I favour blandness, what can I say? I'm an enigmatic parrot.

Fish: All plain white fish is readily eaten by yours truly. Leave off those interesting 'sauces' they ruin the blandness, and blandness is what I crave. Mmmmm...mackeral.

Beverages: Water only, please. The humans gave me orange juice once. The look I gave them when I tasted that could have frozen their blood. Another related tip: Try warming your beak on the edge of a hot cup of tea or coffee by rapidly tapping it. Very comforting, and it also makes a dingy-ding noise. Don't actually drink the stuff, though! The reward is some water that magically appears on the beak afterwards that you can drink! Excellent eh ? I can't offer an opinion on wine, because those humans won't let me taste it. Sooner or later they will leave a glass around, and turn their backs. I will report on that as soon as it happens.

How to have a bath without getting wet

My humans have been helping me produce an instructional video today. I have developed a unique method of bathing that doesn't involve all of that nasty wetness...you know: matted feathers, being cold, all that preening. This video demonstrates how I am able to bathe, without getting any water on my feathers, simply by standing on the edge of a bowl of water and tragically flapping about in the hope that I'll get clean by induction.

I don't know why Martin and Michele always laugh when I'm doing it; humans are weird...and at least if they're laughing then they're not chasing me about with that bloody spray can. I hate that thing.

Hospital

What an ordeal I've had lately! It started at the beginning of the week, when my foot started hurting real bad. I think I must have injured it playing. I can be a bit clumsy sometimes. Anyway, obviously I can't talk, but I wanted Michele and Martin to know my foot hurt so that I could get some sympathy (and perhaps some seeds) from them. I started limping really dramatically and holding my foot up a bit. But, instead of giving me seeds, they took me to the vet!

It wasn't that nasty one who trimmed my wings a while back This guy was very kind and I had to go on a long car ride to reach him. He spoke very nicely to me in a weird accent. I later heard Michele say that he is 'South African'. He told me what a pretty bird I am, and then explained that he was sorry, but he had to hold me in a towel. Faithful readers of this blog will know that the one thing I absolutely hate is being grabbed in a towel at the vet. I was frightened, but not as frightened as last time, because the guy was so nice. I kind of thought that maybe he really wouldn't hurt me.
So, he grabs me in a towel, and I'm struggling and fighting it.Next thing you know, he puts this plastic thing over my beak and then....I'm floating in space. It's beautiful, peaceful and swirly.

When I woke up, I was back in my cage! I have no idea what happened, but he didn't touch me again. A thousand years went by and then...Michele walked in! I was so happy to see her I almost fell off my perch. I flashed my eyes at her (she loves that) and jumped up and down, even on my sore leg.

After she made a fuss over me, I listened to her talk to the doctor. He said my x-rays look fine and they just have to wait for my blood test to come back to make sure all my organs are ok. When did they get any blood out of me?

Anyway, Michele brought me home and had a big portion of oatmeal (porridge to you British people) waiting for me. It's my favourite! My foot is feeling a lot better too.

Declicious food

Oh my god, do I have a new favorite food. Michele calls it "oatmeal", Martin calls it "porridge", but I just call it delicious! Michele and Martin often have different names for things for some reason. Anyway, back to the oatmeal. It is just delicous and I can't believe I have lived here for 2 years and this is the first time they've given it to me! But, to be fair, I did get it two days in a row. It's morning now, and I've just had my bird breakfast. I just know any minute now Michele is going to cook up some of the good stuff. Please.....

I tell you, this is getting boring. They are making me step up on an arm before I get any sunflower seeds. And get this - I have to step on the arm each time for EVERY SINGLE SEED! What is this? Moreover, I can tell what's going on, they are trying to make me stay on the arm longer and longer. Now they show me the seed, i get on the arm, and....nothing. Wait...wait...then the seed. If they make me wait too long, I fly off. I have my dignity you know! Between you and me...I'd do almost anything for a seed...just don't tell the people I own that!

Weekend B(r)eak

It's a funny thing, but despite how much I like Michele and Martin, it's nice to have some time away. For some reason they decided to give me a little weekend break at a luxury bird sanctuary. The two people who work there, Chris and Stella, spend their entire time looking after me and giving me executive food.
Every day was a gastronomic feast: wholemeal spaghetti, bread, fruit, vegetables and loads of seeds! All kinds of good seeds!
They've got all kinds of art on the walls, and as a cultured bird, I appreciate that. Not only are the pictures beautiful but sitting on them is a very mellow experience.
They cooked for me, let me beak loads of stuff and gave me such a nice weekend!
Despite what a great time I'd had, when Michele and Martin came to pick me up it was brilliant to see them. I'd missed them! Since then I've been spending a lot of time cuddling up to them, and I think they must have missed me too because they've given me so many yummy seeds, so much beak-beak-beak and they've been sharing their food. However, despite them sharing their food with me, if they try and steal my seeds I'll BITE THEM! But I've been rewarding them with plenty of tail displays.