Humphrey's guide to food

As a parrot, Food is very important to me. Therefore, I've decided to publish my guide to the best and worst foods out there.

Parrot Mix: Eh. I have it for breakfast every day, and frankly, I'm bored. The only good part is the sunflower seeds, which are one of my favorite things.

Pellets: According to humans, this is the best thing to feed parrots. Parrots, especially me, disagree. Strongly. Even though they are bland, and crunchy, two qualities I crave in food, I still don't like these horrible little things.

Oatmeal (porridge): I live with two humans, one American, one Brit. That's why I have two names for this most delicious food. Here is a pic of me enjoying some.

Spider plants: Most households have at least one of these. Whenever you're feeling a bit peckish, fly over and have a nibble or 50. You can thank me later for this tip.

Crust: Beaks up! (Since I don't have thumbs). Whether it's bread crust or pizza crust, it's going in my beak, and all over the floor. For later. Some of them even contain some bland tasting seeds! Yummy!

Apples and carrots: I demand a piece from my humans each day. They love me so much that they obey and even tell me I'm a good bird when I eat it! Which I am! Other veg and fruit? Beaks down! Even though you might say these two items have strong flavours, and I favour blandness, what can I say? I'm an enigmatic parrot.

Fish: All plain white fish is readily eaten by yours truly. Leave off those interesting 'sauces' they ruin the blandness, and blandness is what I crave. Mmmmm...mackeral.

Beverages: Water only, please. The humans gave me orange juice once. The look I gave them when I tasted that could have frozen their blood. Another related tip: Try warming your beak on the edge of a hot cup of tea or coffee by rapidly tapping it. Very comforting, and it also makes a dingy-ding noise. Don't actually drink the stuff, though! The reward is some water that magically appears on the beak afterwards that you can drink! Excellent eh ? I can't offer an opinion on wine, because those humans won't let me taste it. Sooner or later they will leave a glass around, and turn their backs. I will report on that as soon as it happens.

How to have a bath without getting wet

My humans have been helping me produce an instructional video today. I have developed a unique method of bathing that doesn't involve all of that nasty wetness...you know: matted feathers, being cold, all that preening. This video demonstrates how I am able to bathe, without getting any water on my feathers, simply by standing on the edge of a bowl of water and tragically flapping about in the hope that I'll get clean by induction.

I don't know why Martin and Michele always laugh when I'm doing it; humans are weird...and at least if they're laughing then they're not chasing me about with that bloody spray can. I hate that thing.