Humphrey the Parrot

World turned upside down

2007-12-11T15:13:00.000-08:00

Sorry I haven't written in a while. So much has happened to me, though, I don't know if I can even convey what an upheaval I've had. I'm also feeling really ropey so I apologise if my typing is a bit wonky.

Firstly, Michele and Martin, my humans, packed up all the stuff in the flat and took it out. I mean everything, including my favorite green wooden chair that I like to perch on. Then, one night they woke me up and stuffed me into a horrible, tiny little wooden box that I couldn't see out of. Michele then took me in this little box to somewhere called "the airport". I could hear her crying the whole way, and she kept promising me that everything was going to be alright, which worried me more thananything else.
Later, Michele was gone and I was put in another place. It felt like being in the car, but a lot more rough, and I was travelling somewhere for about 8 hours! I know I was very far from home because my magnetic fields were all over the place, according to my BGPS (Birdy Global Positioning System.) After that, some men took me in a van to a place with lots of other birds. I was handled roughly, but they did speak nicely to me. They put another metal band on my leg. (I already had another one on my other leg, apparently since I hatched out my egg 5 years ago, but I don't remember getting it. But it has been there as long as I remember). Then they took a
q-tip and touched my cloaca with it! I wouldn't have felt so bad if my humans were there, but they had gone.

After that, they put me in a huge glass box with branches and perches in it, and gave me some dinner. It was ok - not as good as I get at home, but I was hungry so I didn't complain. I was so exhausted, I just fell asleep.

The next morning, I woke up and didn't know where I was. Did that ever happen to you? It's very disconcerting. I was still in the glass box, and it was very warm. When I was sleeping someone hat put some of my toys that I recognised in with me. This lady said that my mom sent them for me. She also gave me a honey treat, so I passed the morning gnawing on that and
looking around, hoping that the rest of my flock might appear...but they didn't. There were two noisy
parrots next to me. They were prettyfriendly though. They explained that we were in some sort of bird prison - none of us knew what we'd done wrong though! All around were other birds, some really a lot bigger than me! Some of them had smaller enclosures than I had. I had my birdy buddy (brand name for my bird bed) and some nice perches, too. It was lovely and
warm in there but I was really very sad. Where were the rest of the flock. The other birds had all sorts of scary stories about what was going to happen to us, but after a while I stopped listening.
They all sounded dubious to me. There was one bird, quite a bit older than me, who said that he'd been though it before and that everything would get back to normal soon. Although I was just as dubious about that tale, I clung onto the hope that he might be right. He said he didn't know why were in prison (or "quarentine" as he called it) either.

And I was in that glass box for 30 days. Every day a nice lady came by to feed me, and she talked to me a bit. Sometimes she told me that Michele had called on the phone to check that I was ok, but I didn't believe her. And why did I have to be here anyway?

After 30 days, they grabbed me in a towel and stuck me back in that horrible wooden box. Then they took me in a van to another place, where I waited for 2 hours in this dark room. Suddenly, someone grabbed my box, and I heard Martin and Michele's voices. They had come for me! Michele was crying all over my box. They took me out and put me in a cage that I could see out of, and then put me in the car. Michele drove the car and Martin sat in the back with me. It was so good to be back as a complete flock again. I really hope they never make me go to that place again.

Now, I am home in a new house and it's nice to be with Martin and Michele again, however, I am really, really ill. Well, I'm not as ill as I was last week, but I'm not a well bird. I have all mucus clogging my nares and I'm so tired. I've had to go to the vet 4 times!! Regular readers will
know that going to the vet is my least favourite thing to do. I will post again soon and tell you that whole saga. I'm going to take another nap now. It's all I seem to do these days. So I'm not too happy. I also don't know my way around here...and there's no sign of my green chair perch either...

Bye for now.

Humphrey's guide to food

2006-04-15T04:58:00.000-07:00

As a parrot, Food is very important to me. Therefore, I've decided to publish my guide to the best and worst foods out there.

Parrot Mix: Eh. I have it for breakfast every day, and frankly, I'm bored. The only good part is the sunflower seeds, which are one of my favorite things.

Pellets: According to humans, this is the best thing to feed parrots. Parrots, especially me, disagree. Strongly. Even though they are bland, and crunchy, two qualities I crave in food, I still don't like these horrible little things.

Oatmeal (porridge): I live with two humans, one American, one Brit. That's why I have two names for this most delicious food. Here is a pic of me enjoying some.

Spider plants: Most households have at least one of these. Whenever you're feeling a bit peckish, fly over and have a nibble or 50. You can thank me later for this tip.

Crust: Beaks up! (Since I don't have thumbs). Whether it's bread crust or pizza crust, it's going in my beak, and all over the floor. For later. Some of them even contain some bland tasting seeds! Yummy!

Apples and carrots: I demand a piece from my humans each day. They love me so much that they obey and even tell me I'm a good bird when I eat it! Which I am! Other veg and fruit? Beaks down! Even though you might say these two items have strong flavours, and I favour blandness, what can I say? I'm an enigmatic parrot.

Fish: All plain white fish is readily eaten by yours truly. Leave off those interesting 'sauces' they ruin the blandness, and blandness is what I crave. Mmmmm...mackeral.

Beverages: Water only, please. The humans gave me orange juice once. The look I gave them when I tasted that could have frozen their blood. Another related tip: Try warming your beak on the edge of a hot cup of tea or coffee by rapidly tapping it. Very comforting, and it also makes a dingy-ding noise. Don't actually drink the stuff, though! The reward is some water that magically appears on the beak afterwards that you can drink! Excellent eh ? I can't offer an opinion on wine, because those humans won't let me taste it. Sooner or later they will leave a glass around, and turn their backs. I will report on that as soon as it happens.

How to have a bath without getting wet

2006-04-14T09:56:00.000-07:00

My humans have been helping me produce an instructional video today. I have developed a unique method of bathing that doesn't involve all of that nasty wetness...you know: matted feathers, being cold, all that preening. This video demonstrates how I am able to bathe, without getting any water on my feathers, simply by standing on the edge of a bowl of water and tragically flapping about in the hope that I'll get clean by induction.

I don't know why Martin and Michele always laugh when I'm doing it; humans are weird...and at least if they're laughing then they're not chasing me about with that bloody spray can. I hate that thing.

Hospital

2005-06-18T01:29:00.000-07:00

What an ordeal I've had lately! It started at the beginning of the week, when my foot started hurting real bad. I think I must have injured it playing. I can be a bit clumsy sometimes. Anyway, obviously I can't talk, but I wanted Michele and Martin to know my foot hurt so that I could get some sympathy (and perhaps some seeds) from them. I started limping really dramatically and holding my foot up a bit. But, instead of giving me seeds, they took me to the vet!

It wasn't that nasty one who trimmed my wings a while back This guy was very kind and I had to go on a long car ride to reach him. He spoke very nicely to me in a weird accent. I later heard Michele say that he is 'South African'. He told me what a pretty bird I am, and then explained that he was sorry, but he had to hold me in a towel. Faithful readers of this blog will know that the one thing I absolutely hate is being grabbed in a towel at the vet. I was frightened, but not as frightened as last time, because the guy was so nice. I kind of thought that maybe he really wouldn't hurt me.
So, he grabs me in a towel, and I'm struggling and fighting it.Next thing you know, he puts this plastic thing over my beak and then....I'm floating in space. It's beautiful, peaceful and swirly.

When I woke up, I was back in my cage! I have no idea what happened, but he didn't touch me again. A thousand years went by and then...Michele walked in! I was so happy to see her I almost fell off my perch. I flashed my eyes at her (she loves that) and jumped up and down, even on my sore leg.

After she made a fuss over me, I listened to her talk to the doctor. He said my x-rays look fine and they just have to wait for my blood test to come back to make sure all my organs are ok. When did they get any blood out of me?

Anyway, Michele brought me home and had a big portion of oatmeal (porridge to you British people) waiting for me. It's my favourite! My foot is feeling a lot better too.

Declicious food

2005-05-22T03:04:00.000-07:00

Oh my god, do I have a new favorite food. Michele calls it "oatmeal", Martin calls it "porridge", but I just call it delicious! Michele and Martin often have different names for things for some reason. Anyway, back to the oatmeal. It is just delicous and I can't believe I have lived here for 2 years and this is the first time they've given it to me! But, to be fair, I did get it two days in a row. It's morning now, and I've just had my bird breakfast. I just know any minute now Michele is going to cook up some of the good stuff. Please.....

2005-03-31T09:39:00.000-08:00

I tell you, this is getting boring. They are making me step up on an arm before I get any sunflower seeds. And get this - I have to step on the arm each time for EVERY SINGLE SEED! What is this? Moreover, I can tell what's going on, they are trying to make me stay on the arm longer and longer. Now they show me the seed, i get on the arm, and....nothing. Wait...wait...then the seed. If they make me wait too long, I fly off. I have my dignity you know! Between you and me...I'd do almost anything for a seed...just don't tell the people I own that!

Weekend B(r)eak

2005-03-02T11:36:00.000-08:00

It's a funny thing, but despite how much I like Michele and Martin, it's nice to have some time away. For some reason they decided to give me a little weekend break at a luxury bird sanctuary. The two people who work there, Chris and Stella, spend their entire time looking after me and giving me executive food.
Every day was a gastronomic feast: wholemeal spaghetti, bread, fruit, vegetables and loads of seeds! All kinds of good seeds!
They've got all kinds of art on the walls, and as a cultured bird, I appreciate that. Not only are the pictures beautiful but sitting on them is a very mellow experience.
They cooked for me, let me beak loads of stuff and gave me such a nice weekend!
Despite what a great time I'd had, when Michele and Martin came to pick me up it was brilliant to see them. I'd missed them! Since then I've been spending a lot of time cuddling up to them, and I think they must have missed me too because they've given me so many yummy seeds, so much beak-beak-beak and they've been sharing their food. However, despite them sharing their food with me, if they try and steal my seeds I'll BITE THEM! But I've been rewarding them with plenty of tail displays.

Jif, my love...

2005-02-17T08:41:00.000-08:00

Martin and Michele have a friend named Jif. I really, really like him. Now, I love Michele and Martin dearly, and I couldnt' live without them but...this is different. when Jif comes around, my parrot heart skips a beat. And he totally doesn't mind if I jump up on his lap, which I do whenever he comes over. Oh Jif...visit me more often!

Car trouble

2005-01-30T13:34:00.000-08:00

Phew... What a night I've had. Martin and Michele took me in Martin's dad's car. We were going to Martin's mom and dad's, where we sometimes go on Sundays (well, they always go, but they sometimes take me too). Well, I was in my cage (which I'm not too fond of) in the car, with a cover over. All of a sudden the car started shaking and sputtering. I was frightened! Then it stopped and Michele and Martin got out to push. Martin's dad tried to start it again but it wouldn't start, but all these bad smells started coming in the car. Now, I'm a bird so I have sensitive lungs! Michele cares a lot about me, so she knows this. She dragged my cage out of the car and sat on the sidewalk with me, in the middle of Deptford! Now I trust Michele's judgement, but I was frightened. Luckily, Michele took me in a cab and left Martin and his dad to deal with the car. Soon I was warm and out of my cage, eating seeds and shredded carrot, being admired by Martin's mum and sister. All's well that ends well.

Touching is kind of nice

2005-01-04T11:22:00.000-08:00

I found something out recently. I advise any parrots who may be reading this to try it: it's really quite nice when ones humans take their long fingers and put them on my feathers and move them around. I especially appreciate this on my neck and under my wings. Oh! And my beak. It's reeeaaalllly nice to have a finger rubbed on my beak. It makes me warm and sleepy! My humans, Michele and Martin, are more than happy to rub their fingers all over me whenever I want. Who knew? I wish I discovered this earlier! Just a tip from yours truly.

Flirting

2004-12-02T13:12:00.000-08:00

OK, I know one shouldn't get too friendly with one's staff, but the humans I own are sometimes very cute. Even when they're being mean, by not giving me my seeds, they can be quite adorable. I flirt with them a lot, and they usually fall for my charms (who wouldn't ?) but in the last few days I've started to appreciate them. In fact, yesterday and today, I've been very close with them and their magical bands of parrots in their fingers. These magical bands contain bright colours that look like distorted bright green parrots! Sometimes my humans preen my feathers in places I can't reach (around my neck)! They must have fallen for my charms! I rule!

What?

2004-11-05T10:36:00.000-08:00

This whole week Martin has been home with me. Michele is home a lot of the time, but some times she has to go to work. It turns out Martin had to have an operation. I hope he didn't have to go the the same vet I went to last time. I wonder if they grabbed him and held him in a towel? Anyway, it's been nice to have both of them and I've been feeling quite affectionate for my flock. I've found out that rubbing my head on Martin's thumb and arm feels really good. I climbed up and snuggled with Michele a bit yesterday when she was taking a nap, too.

Today Michele came home and I was excited to see her, but I was even more excited to see her when I saw she was carrying a bag from Pets at Home! That can mean only one thing - she's been to Pets at Home and the bag contains toys, treats, or both, all for me! And I was right. However...one thing leaves a bad taste in my beak. I heard Martin and Michele talking and they were being really quiet, trying not to let me hear. I heard Michele say that Pets at Home no longer sells Kaytee Honey Treats for parrots! What the ?!)*_)%^ They are the best treats in the world! Michele did give me another honey treat, and it was quite good....but not the same. I did hear Michele say she'd try to get some from America. I don't know where that is but I hope she can get me some honey treats soon.

Travelling Bird

2004-10-20T10:14:00.000-07:00

What a time I've had. I spent the last week at the home of Martin's parents while Martin and Michele went to America. I'd never spent the night away from home since I've lived here, and I spent 7 nights away! Stella and Chris, Martin's parents, were so nice to me! They talked to me, fed me lots of treats, and kept telling me how beautiful I am. Just like at home, I was allowed to keep my cage doors open and come and go as I please. I found a great perch on top of their drinks cabinet. And they didn't care if I stayed up there! I didn't think I would, but I really missed Martin and Michele. When they came back to pick me up I was stunned to see them. Once they brought me home again, I spent lots of time on Michele's head and Martin's lap. I had a great time, but it's so good to be home. I missed my play gym.

The best toy ever

2004-10-01T07:46:00.000-07:00

I just got the greatest toy ever the other week, so I had to write about it. I have a whole box of toys, some I love, some I like, and some I can't be bothered with, but this toy shines above them all for one simple reason: seeds! It has seeds in it! It's a big yellow block of square shaped wood with holes all over. In each hole, there are yummy sunflower seeds stuffed in. If you work really, really hard, you can get the seeds out and eat them. And that's just what I do. The first day I had it, I worked on it for a while, and suddenly I realised I'd been at it for 2 hours! God, I love that toy. You don't get many seeds out of it, but it's strange - for some reason I am compelled to keep working at it. As if working for the seeds is the fun of it. Who am i kidding? It's the seeds that make it great.

My essay

2004-10-01T07:24:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone,
I just found this essay I wrote a while ago, before I had a blog, so I thought I'd post it. It's about my favourite subject: seeds. I saw an article in The Onion written by a squirrel about how much he loves nuts, so my essay was inspired by that. Here it is:

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I HAVE TO ADMIT, I LOVE THE SEEDS.
By Humphrey the parrot

I'm a parrot on the go. I've got bells to ring and feathers to preen. If anybody asks what keeps me going when parrot duties pile up, I got one word for them: seeds! I know it's a stereotype that parrots go crazy for seeds, but in my case, it's 100 percent true. I make no apologies or excuses. Why should I? I fully admit that I love the seeds!

Somebody once said the only thing I cared about was seeds. Hey, guilty as charged. And what's wrong with that? Seeds never hurt anybody - at least nobody in parrot circles. Seeds are delicious! Just stuff a seed into your beak, chomp down, and unlock the seedy flavor. Before you know it, you'll be like me: singing the praises of the savory goodness of seedy seeds.

I'm not a strong-willed parrot. If you take a bucket of seeds put them near my cage, you'd better believe I'm gonna eat those seeds. I won't be polite about it, either. I won't share them with anyone. No, I will behave like a fool to secure those seeds. I'll shove as many seeds in my beak as I can fit, and chew as fast as possible to make room for more seeds. If I have some leftover seeds, I'll drop them in my water dish or stuff them in the keyboard for later. And let me tell you: If I can't find my seeds, there's going to be some frantic squawking and flying around, believe me. I don't care if people stop, point, and laugh at my actions. They can call me me all sorts of seed-loving names. I won't stop until I find those seeds.

You might say, "Humphrey, what's the deal with the seeds? Don't you ever want to break out of the mold? Do something a little less expected? Blaze a trail? Why do you just live by the old parrot standards?" Well, I've got an answer. It's simple. Ready? Here it is: I love seeds. Sunflower in particular.
But I love millet seeds, pumpkin seeds, all kinds of seeds. I'm a seed nut! That's an old joke I heard when I was a little kid, and it's funny because it's true. It may be a cliche, but I go crazy for seeds.

Thre's nothing I wouldn't do for seeds. I've been chased by bigger parrots, mice, and children while in pursuit of a luscious seed. You'd think I had some sort of death wish, but that's just not the case. I don't know if there are seeds in heaven, so I'm not looking to die. Believe me, I don't do this for the thrills. I do it for the seeds.

Just so you don't get the wrong idea, eating seeds isn't all I do. I like to fly around and play with my toys. I scramble madly up cage bars and my play gym using my parrot claws and beak. Sometimes, I wag up my tail and stretch my wings. And, believe me, I do my share of eeking and preening. But when I need to recharge, there's only one thing that can satisfy my hunger. Seeds! And a lot of 'em! Oh, boy!

Do you want to make good with me? Then you'd better bust out the seeds. That's the way to this parrot's heart. Don't worry. You won't offend me if you assume that I eat seeds, because it's true. I do. So do all of my parrot friends.

Admittedly, I eat more than just seeds. There aren't always seeds around,
so I make do. Every day, my owners feed me pellets and fruit and veg like apple and carrot. I eat it if I'm hungry. It's all right. But do you know what would have made it better? Seeds. If you had put some sunflower seeds in with those pellets or that aple orcarrot, it would've really been something. But you know what would've been
even better? If you took the pellets, apple and carrot out, and just left the
seeds.

Life is short if you're a parrot. What do I have? Fifty, sixty years? I have to live life to the fullest. I don't want people saying that I didn'ttake advantage of every opportunity that I had while I flapped around this green earth. If, when I'm gone, you hear someone say, "That Humphrey, he was a good bird, but he didn't eat many seeds," I insist you set them straight. You tell them that I loved seeds more than anything.
Man, all this talk of seeds is killing me.

Bewildered Bird

2004-09-23T10:49:00.000-07:00

Thankfully, the flock are all gathered together again now and things seem back to normal. Earlier today I didn't know what was going on, whether it was day or night or whether the sky was going to fall in on me...
It was night time and I was snuggled into my birdy-buddy asleep and then suddenly it all went pear-shaped. This beak-shattering noise started that sounded like an enormous mean bird screeching. Then my humans took my cover off and it was light like day. They put me in the other room...where it was night time! All the time the noise was going on! I was terrified! Then, get this, they left me alone! I couldn't cope! I was flapping about all over the cage and the noise was going on and then Martin and Michele told me it was all ok, and left again. They said something about a "firelark" or something. Must have been the name of the huge mean bird or something. He sounded really angry. And they left again! Well, I was so scared. We're supposed to be a flock aren't we ? Aren't we supposed to stick together in times of Firelark attack ?
Then the noise stopped and I began to settle down. I was totally confused though. Was it night, day or in between ? I'm a bird for god's sake! I have a routine! How do I start ? Then the firelark started again! It was awful!

Eventually Martin and Michele came back in and gave me some seeds...and Honey Treat! Yay! But it's only now that I'm getting my birdy bearings back. I feel sleepy, but I'm not going to bed tonight I think. In case the firelark comes back. I have to protect Martin and Michele you know. Even though I still think they're planning to towel me and take me to the vet. Hmm..Honey Treat...

Good news, bad news

2004-09-21T13:24:00.000-07:00

First the bad news: Michele has gone back to work. She's been home with me all summer. I really got used to her being around during the day! We had a nice routine going - she'd wake up, wake me, give me my breakfast, make herself some coffee. Then she'd drink coffee while I eat my breakfast. Then she'd turn on the television and we'd watch Judge Judy together. I'd fly over and land on the laptop where she'd be reading salon.com while she watched & drank coffee. No more! She had to go back to work. She's a teacher. She explained to me that she has to work to pay for my food and toys.

Now for the good news: Martin is working at home 3 days a week! Just when Michele will no longer be here, now Martin will! Even better: Michele has off on Thursdays, so all three of us will be home that day! Still, I'm a parrot and I like routine, so it's a lot to get used to. Mind you, I have all my wings now so I'm enjoying flying around the flat.

Cooler

2004-08-25T20:37:00.000-07:00

Thank god it's getting cooler and less humid. For a few days there, all I felt like doing is sitting on my blue perch, sulking and fanning my wings against my body. I think Michele and Martin were worried about me. But I was just hot and annoyed. Now it's a lot cooler and I've been in the mood to play with my toys a lot more. And they've been changing the toys around a lot more now that I've been playing wtih them. The other thing that is happening is that every time a click noise happens, I get a seed. I totally don't mind, but I don't get it. More later.

Clicker training

2004-08-16T03:45:00.000-07:00

Well, I think I figured it out. They're trying to train me with some kind of clicker. For the last 3 days, every time they give me a delicious, wonderful sunflower seed, they make this click noise with this little plastic thing. Hmmm. At first I didn't understand, but now I realize that I get a treat every time this thing clicks. I love treats, but the whole thing is making me nervous. What are they trying to do? What's going to happen next? I don't get it and I am one confused parrot. I'll let you know if I figure out what's going on.

Welcome to my blog

2004-08-15T22:00:00.000-07:00

Hello! My name is Humphrey and I am a Princess of Wales Parakeet or Princess Parrot, depending on who you ask. I prefer to be called a Princess parrot, because in America when people talk about parakeets they actually mean "budgies". And I'm NOT a budgie. I'm much more attractive. I have a variety of green body feathers, a pink neck everyone is always going on about, and a superlong multicoloured tail. I used to have another name but I don't remember what it was. Anyway, Humphrey is a very dignified name for a parrot, in my opinion.

I am about 2 years old. I don't know much about my early life. Would you, if your parents hadn't filled you in? The earliest memory I have is being in the pet store in Lewisham. I was in a glass tank with this Quaker parrot who I hated. He was such a bully. One day, this lady with blonde curly hair came in. She spent ages talking to me and looking at me, telling me how beautiful I am. She was crying for some reason. I had a feeling I'd see her again.

The next day, she came back. The next thing I know I was in a small box, in a car. I knew I was with her because by that time I knew her voice. She was promising she'd give me the best life she could. It sounded nice and all, but I wa s terrified!

She brought me to a house and put me in a brand new cage. I was shaking. I didn't know what was going on! In fact, for the first few days I hid behind the toy she gave me. I know she could still see me, but I felt a bit better. Soon I met the man she lives with. He has long curly hair like her. He seemed to be very impressed with my beauty - no surprise there.

That was a year ago. I now know I live with Michele and Martin. They are my family. I like them a lot. They give me lots of seeds (even tho I have to eat those terrible pellets and fruit and veg which I do like); I have my own huge box of toys, and best of all, they never close me in the cage. I'm allowed to come and go as I please. They get very happy when I fly over and land on them. They want to touch me but I get freaked out when a human tries to touch me. I am going to try to get over that, but I can't promise anything. I like my family, but to be honest I don't trust them 100 percent. See, a couple of months ago they took me to this place they called "The Vet". There was this man and woman in white coats. They grabbed me in a towel and I squawked and bit. I'm very proud that I got a couple of good bites in. Then they trimmed my wings. I don't mind that - they've already grown back (my wings looked ridiculous and lopsided for a while though).But I DO NOT like being in a towel. I still think sometimes Michele and Martin will grab me and take me to the vet or put me in a towel. So I have to keep my guard up. Don't get me wrong - I like most of my life. Sometimes, Michele and Martin take me for a ride in the car, and take me to the most beautiful garden and let me sit in the sun. I have to stay in my cage, locked, when I do that. But it's ok. I love the warm breeze ruffling my feathers.

I hope you enjoy reading my blog. Mind you, it takes me a while to type because I don't have hands.